Growing up in Canada in the late eighties and early nineties, there was one high school band that we all aspired to be like: The Zit Remedy. Made up of Toronto youths Joey P. Jeremiah, Archie "Snake" Simpson and Derek "Wheels" Wheeler, they had ambition to spare that almost made up for their lack of talent. They were a working pop act for at least half a decade and yet they had just the one song, the immortal "Everybody Wants Something". Yet, The Zits (as they would eventually rename themselves) made the most of the status as Degrassi Jr. High and Degrassi High's only rock and roll group. The fact that they sucked the big one didn't matter in the least.
Turns out, however, that it did kind of matter. Schoolboy and schoolgirl bands are supposed to be dreadful. Degrassi's next group somehow bucked this trend by sounding horribly professional. Yeah, Downtown Sasquatch happened to be a wonderful name for a hopeless, go nowhere band but this was squandered by the fact that they sounded like a moderately successful Canadian alt-funk group of the early 2000s like Wide Mouth Mason or, uh, those other moderately successful Canadian alt-funk groups of the era. In stark contrast to The Zits, if I didn't know better, I could've sworn that lead Sasquatch Craig Manning was lip-synching along to one of those deep-voiced vocalists of the age. In addition to the fact that their lead guitarist looked suspiciously like Drake, they were far too good and not the least bit convincing to be a teenage rock band.
Which brings us to The Archies. As a quintet of students at Riverdale High, they had homework to do, malts at Pop Tate's Chok'lit Shoppe to be consumed, detentions under the watchful eyes of either Miss Grundy or Mr Weatherbee to be served, come-from-behind victories in football over hated rivals Central High to be played, burgers to be scoffed and dates in various combinations to be kept. What they didn't seem to have much time for was rehearsals and jam sessions. Like any good high school band, perhaps they'd meet up every fortnight or so to work on that same sad little number they'd been toiling on but to little in the way of results. Yet, you'd never know it since their discography is loaded with professionally crafted pop.
When music geeks get all snooty about "manufactured bands" they tend to have this noble if misguided attachment to authenticity. Hey, we've all been there so I shouldn't be too critical. My thing has always been more about sounding authentic rather than actually being authentic. I know that actors aren't expected to live the lives of the characters they play — even if some of them do — so why should I expect singers and groups to be that way when it comes to the music they perform? Just make it seem believable and that's good enough for me. This is where The Archies come undone, even when we're dealing with one of their better efforts like "Jingle Jangle". It's inauthentic and isn't even trying to be otherwise.
First, Betty Cooper is on vocals. Nice, sweet Betty. I imagine her sounding a bit like Debbie Gibson or maybe at best Belinda Carlisle. I don't buy her hitting some out-of-the-way notes or purring like a sex kitten. Hell, I don't even expect that out of Veronica Lodge. Singer Toni Wine does a great job and that's the problem: she simply doesn't sound like Betty. Worse, though, is the Sly Stone impersonator (those deep-throated "come on's" near the end) who I guess is meant to be either Archie Andrews, Jughead Jones or Reggie Mantle though your guess is as good as mine. Does this matter? Yes, it sure as shit does if I'm supposed to be locked into the kayfabe world of comic book characters in a high school band. It's bad enough they don't suck ass but for there to be zero effort at capturing the Riverdale teens is unforgivable.
On the other hand, the one thing to be said for not sucking is that at least you don't suck. "Jingle Jangle" is a good song, it's catchy and lots of fun as soon as you crack open the tin. Had it been handed off to a mildly creepy family singing group it would have been more convincing and a shoo in for at least another point added on to the score below. Unfair, I know, but that's the price you pay for not pretending to be authentic. I don't ask for much, you know.
Score: 5
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