Tom Jones: "Without Love (There Is Nothing)"

February 14, 1970 (1 week)

1958 — The Silhouettes: "Get a Job"

1959 — Richie Valens: "Donna" / "La Bamba"

1960 — Jim Reeves: "He'll Have to Go"

1961 — Andy Stewart: "A Scottish Soldier"

1962 — Charlie Drake: "My Boomerang Won't Come Back"

1963 — Paul and Paula: "Hey Paula"

1964 — The Beatles: "I Want to Hold Your Hand" / "I Saw Her Standing There"

1965 — Jay and the Americans: "Let's Lock the Door (and Throw Away the Key)"

1966 — Petula Clark: "My Love"

1967 — The Seekers: "Georgy Girl"

1968 — The Foundations: "Baby, Now That I've Found You"

1969 — The Doors: "Touch Me"

Forget the Christmas number one, let's talk about the St. Valentine's Day chart toppers instead! The above were at the top of either the CHUM or RPM hit parades on February 14th of their respective years and, for the most part, they totally fit. Songs of Yuletide cheer and/or giving to one's fellow man are seldom, if ever, represented in the Xmas number ones but syrupy love ballads in the middle of February? Oh, hell yeah! (And, yes, I am aware that the public are suckers for love songs regardless of the time of year) And it's not such a bad list, is it? That early sixties' run of duds really stands out but the arrival of The Beatles seemed to up the quality control with five very credible Valentine's number ones on the bounce to close out the decade.

Sadly, the streak ends there. Some may think it "ironic" that the ladies man to end of ladies men would be responsible for such an abominable love song on such a romantic day but I feel it tracks. Tom Jones certainly knows how to (a) get women into bed and (b) get people to buy his crummy recordings (and, to be sure, there's doubtless plenty of intersection in that particular Venn diagram) but he's always been better at selling himself than selling his material.

Jones having some fun with "What's New Pussycat?" or "It's Not Unusual" is one thing but for him to tackle gospel is simply in bad taste. It isn't so much that he is out of his depth as a vocalist and more that he didn't have a grounding in American spiritual music to successfully pull it of. It could be what we now call cultural appropriation but I'm leaning towards thinking of it as religious appropriation instead. And poor religious appropriation at that. Johnny Mathis' "When a Child Is Born" is bad enough but when The Tiger (as his female fans call him; I wonder where they got that from?) does so it's a whole other level of bad.

"Without Love (There Is Nothing)" set the tone for many a dreadful seventies' love song. (Indeed, it is one of many dire Valentine's number ones to come) While the singer-songwriters had a great deal to answer for in this regard, the worst offenders were the cabaret acts who were either holding on or in revival mode during the decade ahead. Paul Anka, Neil Sedaka, Tom Jones: none were especially old by 1970 but all seemed stuck in the past while the public seemed all too happy to oblige them. Perhaps with The Beatles being done and dusted, everyone was open to the same crooners who the Fab Four had previously helped do away with. The middle-of-the-road was here and few seemed interested in even shifting slightly to the left or right, let alone taking a sharp turn.

Score: 1

Tom Jones: "What's New Pussycat?"

August 2. 1965 (1 week)

I spent the bulk of my childhood happily unaware of Tom Jones. Then, I became aware of him and there was simply no getting rid of the man. He scored a big hit with synth experimentalists The Art of Noise with a cover of the Prince single "Kiss" and then began popping up on The Simpsons and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Liverpool indie rockers Space along with Welsh singer Cerys Matthews had a hit with "The Ballad of Tom Jones" which seemed to cement his improbable hipster cred. The nineties came to a close with the album Reload which everyone seemed to love except me. (I will admit, however, that it was better than that vile William Shatner album from around the same time) The Generation X fondness for Sir Thomas Jones Woodward eventually subsided but he remains a beloved figure. It's just such a pity he's not all that great.

I am prepared to acknowledge that from everything I hear, Tom Jones puts on one hell of a show. I've never been to Vegas nor has the thought crossed my mind over going to see him but I'm sure that's where he's in his element. It's obvious that the man is dripping in charisma even if I'm with Tom Ewing when he says that "I still come away from his records feeling like I have spit all over my face".

"What's New Pussycat?" is one of the signature Tom Jones numbers, topped only by "It's Not Unusual" (though fans of "Delilah" will no doubt disagree: the fact that I have no idea off the top of my head how it goes says it all in my book), yet its familiarity is strangely down to very little beyond that chorus. A chorus, mind you, that is nothing more than Jones' imploring cries of "what's new pussycat?" along with those hollers of "whoa-whoa!". The verses are just trite little nursery rhymes that I had either forgotten about entirely or I was never aware of to begin with.

This is the second straight Burt Bachrach-Hal David composition to top the Canadian charts. Like "What the World Needs Now Is Love", "What's New Pussycat?" represents a considerable drop in quality from the likes of "Baby, It's You", "(The Man Who Shot) Liberty Valance" and "Don't Make Me Over". Yet, here they were, enjoying some of their biggest commercial successes with some of their weakest material. Luckily, this creative slump wasn't permanent as "Make It Easy on Yourself", "Alfie", and "The Look of Love" would prove over the next few months and years. That is an Imperial phase for you: even when you're doing subpar work, everything still manages to work out for those at their peak.

In spite of what I have to say above, Tom Jones is easily the best thing about "What's New Pussycat?". A consummate pro, he brought his 'A' game in the studio just as reliably as he did on stage (or so I hear). The only reason anyone remembers anything about it at all is because of all that gusto he puts into the chorus. Otherwise, there's not much else to say here but to finish up by commending Jones for taking a crummy song and making it just about bearable, which is a skill of sorts.

Score: 4