David Seville & The Chipmunks: "Alvin's Harmonica"

March 2, 1959 (1 week)

Let's make this a short one. After-all, what more can be said about The Chipmunks that I haven't already gone into? "The Chipmunk Song" is bad and it was lucky to get a 3 from me last week. "Alvin's Harmonica" isn't so fortunate. Somehow or other, it's worse. Much worse in fact.

How about I tell you instead about my prejudices. It won't take long, I don't have many.

1) Motorcyclists

Seriously, what is with you people? I know there are drivers who run red lights, speed and behave like jackasses and there are pedestrians who j-walk and don't even get me started on those idiots who walk down the street staring at their phones the entire time but there are responsible people who get around either by motor car or on foot as well. If there's a motorcyclist out there who obeys the rules of the road then I've never met them. You guys are bad enough back in North America but here in Asia you're a menace. By the way, you look like children when you ride your bikes on the sidewalk. And we all say so. "Look at the baby on his bike. The poor baby is scared of the big, bad road."

2) Guys Called Alvin (or Calvin)

I don't care for these names. Granted, I haven't known a lot of people called either Alvin or Calvin but they strike me as names for people who have a very high regard for themselves with little to show for it. If anything, Calvins are worse: pop stars of very little in the way of talent but who are nonetheless convinced they're hot shit. I probably get this from Alvin & The Chipmunks. What makes him so special anyway? He's not a nerd like Simon? Not a plump dweeb like Theodore? Well, he must be great because he wears a baseball cap, am I right? He isn't carrying his brothers and may well be dragging them down. Nope, Alvin's a turd. On the one hand, I want to sympathize with David Seville for having to deal with this unruly little arse but he's happy to exploit them so maybe he deserves it. Besides, what kind of unprofessional doofus releases material of himself yelling at a trio of singing chipmunks anyway? Not that I'm siding with Alvin either: the two deserved each other. (Note: I will take this one back when and if I ever meet a nice person going by either 'Alvin' or 'Calvin'; I do not, however, retract anything I have to say about Melvin & The Squirrels Alvin & The Chipmunks nor their sad little svengali)

I'm done. Did I happen to mention that this single is a giant load of shite?

Score: 1