Anita Bryant: "Paper Roses"

May 16, 1960 (2 weeks)

Had social medial existed back in the late seventies, conservatives would have no doubt told Anita Bryant to "shut up" and "stick to singing". What's that? They only say this to kind of thing to leftists and liberals who speak out on political matters? You mean they never scolded Ronald Reagan about voicing his opinions? They never told Dennis Miller to stick to comedy (if that is indeed what he used to do)? They never told a cartoonish rich buffoon to stick to reality TV drivel? Well, I never!

Anita Bryant's fame and, indeed, infamy as an outspoken anti-gay zealot is such that few even remember that she had previously been a well-known country singer. Perhaps this is down to the fact that her pop fame was achieved at an early age (despite the fact that she looks like housewife in her mid-thirties who volunteers at the church bake sale, she was no more than twenty when the photo of her on the cover of the single for "Paper Roses" was taken) and had long since been reduced to shilling for Floridian orange juice and the place where middle-of-the-road singing careers go to die, the gospel scene.

She was well on her way to her empty dotage even at the peak of her fame. There were plenty of milquetoast performers in American music during the fifties and sixties yet most of them had something to like. Pat Boone is less believable as a rock 'n' roller than when he'd speak in tongues (assuming he ever did so) but he had a more than good enough voice for slushy love songs. On the surface, Bryant has strong vocal chords in her own right but she seems to be incapable of knowing what to do with them. A Rosemary Clooney or a Peggy Lee could emote without tipping off listeners that it was all an act but this is a trick that Ms. Wholesome isn't up to replicating.

To be fair, she's hardly the only thing wrong with "Paper Roses". If anything, the production is worse with hideously gloopy strings and a chorus which outstays its welcome. Phil Spector on his worst day of farting out his remix of The Beatles' "The Long and Winding Road" or the mess he made of Leonard Cohen's Death of a Ladies Man would've heard this and sniffed something like "I think they've gone too far with this one". About the only thing that just about passes the sniff test is the song itself written by the team of Fred Spielman and Janice Torre. Luckily, there's a reasonably good version by the nearly as bland Marie Osmond from 1973 which would go on to be her best known solo hit. And when an Osmond is your creative superior there's really not a whole lot else to say.

Like a lot of bullies, Anita Bryant would end up playing the victim in the aftermath of her successful campaign against gay rights. Florida orange juice dumped her, as did other sponsors. Even some of her Christian allies objected to her outspoken stance while others turned their backs on her when she ended up getting a divorce from her fundamentalist husband. But I'm not so sure the decline in her singing career can be attributed to her activism. Rather, her talent was as minuscule as her integrity. She fluked a big hit in spite of it being an affront to taste but wasn't able to sustain much mainstream appeal for long after. No one told her to stick to music since no one wanted her to do that either.

Score: 1

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Hey! Where's...?

I've been neglecting this feature in favour of the Can Con segment but I had to address the status of The Everly Brothers and arguably their finest single "Cathy's Clown". Five weeks at number one on the Hot 100 and seven more on the UK charts yet all it could manage was a peak in the runner up spot up in Canada — and only for one measly, stinking week at that. Lots of great songs just miss out on the top spot but having a respectable 45 blocking the way can soften the blow; having a great pop hit and sure fire 10 miss out in part to the godawful "Paper Roses" makes it an even bigger pop injustice. After all those wonderful hits written by the husband and wife team of Felice and Boudleaux Bryant (no relation to Anita that I can see though they may well have disowned her poisonous ass), this Don Everly original manages to surpass everything else they ever did. "Bye Bye Love" is often mentioned as being influential on The Beatles (particularly on the harmonies of Lennon and McCartney) but "Cathy's Clown" points the way forward to the more progressive Help album, particularly the on the single "Ticket to Ride", "You're Going to Lose to Lose That Girl" and, most obviously, the unreleased "That Means a Lot". In truth, it's far better than any other those though. An astonishing achievement and now I think I hate Anita Bryant even more than I already did.