Johnny Horton: "The Battle of New Orleans"

June 1, 1959 (7 weeks)

The Clash's "I'm So Bored with the U.S.A." deals with some serious issues surrounding some of the rotten aspects of the American way of life. From the country's piss-poor treatment of soldiers back from Vietnam to propping up dictatorial regimes around the world, the Mick Jones-Joe Strummer composition makes it clear that the American Dream is a giant lie. Yet, I heard it first in the early nineties as a sullen Canadian teenager and none of those topics clicked in my mind. For all it mattered to me, it was an anthem about being sick to death of American TV, music, movies, news and trash culture. 

With the rise of Jerry Springer and tabloid news coverage, this would only get worse as the decade progressed. Lorena Bobbitt slicing off her husband's dick, Tonya Harding's goons taking a lead pipe to Nancy Carrigan's legs, that stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress, the O.J. Simpson arrest and trial, any time some total nutjob picked up a gun and fired: my brain is stuffed with freak show media circus nonsense that seemed to dominate the news in that era. Even genuine tragedies — the Waco siege, Columbine, 9/11, O.J.'s victims — ended up becoming trivialized by my own sense of fatigue

It was only in the post-9/11 period that conservatives in Canada began to express concern over anti-Americanism, as if it was something that had only just begun following George Bush's illegal invasion of Iraq or something. But in my family at least a part of being Canadian meant making everyone know how much we weren't like the U.S.A, even if at the same time we couldn't do without it.

Somehow or other Canadians back in the fifties didn't get the memo. With Hollywood's continued domination, TV shows coming from American networks ABC, CBS and NBC and virtually every musical genre coming out of the States, it's perhaps understandable why there wasn't yet a backlash. Still, didn't Canadians ever just get tired of hearing about these people all the time? It's one thing for a third-rate country singer like Johnny Horton to tap into jingoism and have it catch on in a big way in the States but elsewhere? What the hell was wrong with Canadians back then? (And we weren't the only ones: the Australians also took this ghastly record to number one; at least the British were far less convinced, taking it to only sixteen)

Given that Paul Anka wasn't all that good while the likes of Elvis, The Everlys, Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis and Frank Sinatra were, I can certainly see why the majority of my countrymen opted for American music back in the day. But did they really have to go for this crap to the tune of seven agonizing weeks at number one? A march about a battle with the British in which the good guys were armed with just nail clippers and old peach pits against the might of the Red Coats and their muskets?

Interestingly, "The Battle of New Orleans" ended up being altered for Great Britain and members of the Commonwealth, presumably so listeners wouldn't be turned off by tales of their ancestors getting their arses so thoroughly handed to them. Naturally, this would have included Canada, though I'm skeptical that this took place. For the love of god, we're the only nation in the world that shares a country code so of course we were just going to get the same version of a song that Ed Sullivan and Dick Clark and the like had been hyping.

In the end, anti-Americanism is something Canadians bring upon themselves. Find other TV shows to watch if you're sick of the crap from the U.S. Listen to artists from your own country or elsewhere if the music from down south is a load of shite. In fact, this seemed to occur seven years later when Sgt. Barry Sadler's giant U.S. number one "The Ballad of the Green Berets" (incidentally, a much worse song than "The Battle of New Orleans") only ended up being a modest Top 30 hit in Canada. The public would have been exposed to this pile of crap on TV and radio and most of them wisely decided to take a pass. The best way to be anti-American is to embrace Stevie Wonder and Magic Johnson and Seinfeld and the first two Godfather films while discarding all of its junk. Start with with Trump and celeb culture but don't forget to rid yourself of useless singles like "The Battle of New Orleans" while you're at it.

Score: 3

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Can Con

He wouldn't be a permanent resident for a few more years but I think we can include Ronnie Hawkins at this early stage since he was already making mint from tours in Toronto and around Ontario. Plus, why not include an American who came to embrace everything about his adopted homeland, especially in a review dealing with being sick to death of our neighbours to the south? "Forty Days" is an enjoyable enough little rockabilly bopper, one that I was pleasantly surprised to see got all the way up to number four. If only it had been able to push Johnny bloody Horton out of the top spot. Rompin' Ronnie would, sadly, only ever have a number one as part of a charity single but I'll still try to celebrate him as much as possible until we get to 1985. Hopefully there will be many more opportunities. Until then, bask in the effortless vocals and just try to imagine how kick ass it must have been at one of Mr. Dynamo's show with a group of young Canadians and a drummer from Arkansas who were then known as The Hawks. Oh to have seen them tear up the bars of Sarnia and Sault Ste Marie back in the day.