Elvis Presley: "(Now and Then) There's a Fool Such as I" / "I Need Your Love Tonight"

April 13, 1959 (3 weeks)

It is official: I am sick of Elvis Presley. Although it helps that I'm not overly fussed by either side of this his eighth Canadian number one hit, The King could have released the best 7" single of his life and it still wouldn't have mattered a whole lot to me. In lieu of a review (I can't even), here are my thoughts on what he should have done to keep the doldrums at bay. I present them as pieces of advice that I wish I could have given.

1) Ditch the Crooked Manager. Let's commence with the low hanging fruit. Colonel Tom Parker isn't your mate, he isn't like a second father to you and he doesn't have your best interests in mind. He's trying to suck every last penny out of you because he's a carny loser who lucked out when he managed to stick his claws in you. Extricating yourself won't be easy but it'll be well worth it.

2) While You're at It, Say Farewell to The Jordaniares Too. Tell 'em that it's has been a slice but it's time you all moved on. Wish them well too. Buy 'em all Cadillacs or something while you're at it as a token of your appreciation. Hell, leave the door open for a possible reunion down the road but for now you're better off without them. They're great a vocal group but you've got more than enough out of them. In fact, they're holding you back. While not the sole problem with your recordings of late, they represent your music being mired in the same old same old. It's great that you're a straight up loyal guy but there are times you gots to cut the dead weight loose. Though you might want to put it to them a little more delicately.

3) Get Into Some Other Kinds of Music. All that cash you've been making the last four years could be used for all sorts of investments and toys and indulgences but set aside a healthy percentage each month for new singles and albums. Get imports from Europe too. Jazz, classical, opera, spoken word, comedy, R&B, country, folk, you name it. Soak it all in. Listening to Paul Anka all the time I'm sure has its merits — even though I can't think of any myself — but your art will benefit by exploring what is out there, especially on the fringes. Then you'll be able to plunder these new sounds and make mint off of them.

4) See the World. Perhaps this has been an upside to your military service but you'd be able to experience a great deal more if you'd go on a world tour and take holidays abroad. Yes, you're world famous but it would still be possible to travel. Hell, even if you don't care for the food in other countries and find their customs baffling, at least you'll come back to the States refreshed and ready to get back to work.

5) If You're Going to Stay Away Then Stay Away. But spare us the detritus that was dashed off in the studio while your induction approached. Not only was very little care placed into the recordings but you sound like your growth has been stunted. Also, let your fans miss you for a while. It's not as if they don't know you've been posted to Germany. They'll look forward to your return a whole lot more if you're actually gone and not throwing them a bone every so often with a lame "new" single.

6) Never Let Hollywood Become the Focal Point. You know how movie stars only ever dabble in music? Well, follow their lead. What you do best should come first. Motion pictures are meant to be fun and so you ought to keep 'em that way by being selective about the roles you choose. But your real job in the studio, on stage and at home with your piano and/or guitar and don't you bloody forget it!

7) Work on Your Songwriting (or, Failing That, Scout Some of the Up and Coming Talent). The nimrods out there who will one day say they hate your music because you didn't write any of it have never had a point. And, yet, you'd be well-advised to try your hand at composing, even if only to get a better grasp of your music. It's time you took control and stopped relying on others to call the shots. All those people who use you need you far more than you need them. Also, songwriting might get the creative juices flowing. Get a collaborator. And use all that new music you've been acquiring (see point 3) to help you seek out others to gift you stronger material.

8) And for the Love of God, Do Better! This last one is a combination of all of the above. One of your biggest fans in a port city called Liverpool will one day say that you died when you went into the army and many will agree even if they will not want to admit it. Prove that grumpy Scouse wrong dammit! Show him that you're The King because you're all powerful and command respect and no one can touch you, not because you're on the fast track to becoming as fat and bloated a mess as Henry VIII.

Score: 5