Feeling as though I'm going to be repeating myself here (And why the hell not? Richard and Karen basically repeated themselves going from "Close to You" to "We've Only Just Begun" so why should I be any different?), I have decided just to go with it an just write the same damn review. Sure, I could be the bigger person and compose something fresh but I've never been a bigger person — in spite of my generous height — and this by no means a bigger person blog. Thus, I have taken my last review of a Canadian number one by The Carpenters, edited it slightly and turned it into a form essay. Just insert song titles, band names and other details where needed. The score, appropriately enough, remains the same.
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"Critical acclaim came too late for The Carpenters," states a somber Todd Nathanson at the beginning of his TrainWreckords episode on the duo's brave failure Passage. Indeed, they were probably an even bigger joke than (unfashionable seventies act) in the era prior to their reassessment. A turning point was the release of (ultra hip tribute album with loads of indie cred) in (relevant year). A rare tribute album from the (relevant decade) that didn't include (random artist who always seemed to appear on tribute albums; he/she was just there to ensure decent sales), it featured (hipster genre) and (same hipster genre repeated)-adjacent stars such as (band that cool people claim to like) and (singer-songwriter everyone pretends to despise) doing unique but affectionate covers of some of Richard and Karen's most famous numbers.
Like a lot of tribute albums, (ultra hip tribute album) is all over the place — though in this case more in terms of it being genre bending rather than its overall song quality. Most of the artists involved chose to stick to their own styles rather than mimicking The Carpenters. (indie band that will never, ever sell out!)'s "(random Carpenters' song)" sounds exactly like a grungy take on (random subgenre). (indie band you pretend to have heard of)'s "(yet another random Carpenters' song)" brings a welcome (trademark Generation X quirk) vibe that would never have occurred to the diligent Carpenters.
The song that sticks out the most is The (band with a cult following though you can't name anything they ever did)'s "(Carpenters' song you happen to be reviewing)". The (American city: probably Seattle) quartet had only recently broken through with the yearning beauty of "(whatever song they did even if it didn't break through at all)" and their next major hit, the less engaging "(its rather sucky follow-up)", would be released just a few days after the Carpenters' tribute album came out. They were arguably the most popular act to participate and they had chosen one of Richard and Karen Carpenter's signature tracks. With all due respect to (lead singer of indie group), he/she was no Karen and it seemed like (band with a cult following) had bitten off more than they could chew.
(In retrospect, their version of "(Carpenters' song)" also stands out due to (lead singer/random bandmember's untimely (insert "death", "accident", "departure" or whatever else that may or may not apply here) as well as his/her dangerously (I don't know, just describe how bad they looked due to a drug addiction or drinking problem or the hideous tattoos they've subsequently acquired) appearance during the group's peak which in some ways mirrors Karen's tragic demise)
Listening to it today, however, I'm struck by wishing that The Carpenters' original was more like (indie band)'s remake. The latter feels like it was produced in house with little to no participation from anyone else which was seldom the approach taken by Richard and Karen. To be fair to them, they were young and easily swayed by record execs and studio producers. A&M Records' Herb Alpert and his colleague Jack Daughtery knew how to create hit singles and they were aware of how a (name of a songwriter) piece like "(Carpenters' song)" needed to be drenched in strings and backing vocals since they'd all been recorded that way. What they missed out on was getting the best out of Richard and Karen: the older brother did the arrangement and played some lovely piano while the younger sister sang as angelically as any human ever has. You'd think those elements would have been more than enough. (That said, The Carpenters would continue to rely far too much on members of the (LA-based session musicians) and various jazz musicians to flesh out their albums up to Karen's death. In all likelihood, they probably never even considered the possibility of doing stripped-down duo sessions)
Call it being sick of (songwriter) — and I've never been particularly fond of them in the first place — and/or the same damn LA studio cats who'd been playing on virtually everything over the past decade but I am done with this lush shit. Yes, somehow the same man who apologized for what Phil Spector had done to The Beatles' "Long and Winding Road" just over a week ago is now in open rebellion against flutes and oboes on Carpenters' records. Bloody hell, Richard and Karen aren't going to be treated well by me in the *checks notes* (a number no higher than four) reviews of their remaining Canadian number ones. Hopefully, this will pass before long. Either that or the critical reappraisal of The Carpenters is going to be taken to task no matter what the members of (band that cool people claim to like) will have you believe.
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The only question that remains is will I do a similarly half-assed job the next time The Carpenters come up? Will I end up just posting the same damn thing a third, fourth and fifth time? I can't say for sure but it's possible. We'll just have to see what Richard and Karen have awaiting us. But I'm down for repeating myself if that's all they were capable of.
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